A present

Oogway said in Kung Fu Panda "You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

I am going to do an exercise: to be present in these 5 minutes.

I can feel my breathe, at the same time typing. I can feel the freshness of the air, feeling warm in my body. I feel the lovely birds singing, with the backgroud of cars and train. The sun is shinning beautifully. With the light of hope. The place of where I live has a super quietness and calmness.

My girl comes out from her room. It's time for me to enjoy the precious moment.

A Piece of Calm

I haven't have this feeling of calmness for long time. I haven't have emotional build up for 2 weeks. I am glad that I have the change. I feel like the fear in my mind is not affecting me in a bad way any more. I finally understand who I am as a person and why I behave in such a way. I totally feel myself as a person. As a person of the way I think, the way I love, and the way I contribute to the world. I finally enjoy being me. I start to admire they way I think, the way I act and the ability and talent I have.

I am not calculating in my mind. I am not comparing with others. I start to admire the beauty in other people, even we see it as demerit. I am not judging other people. I see their personalities in a humorous way. I feel fulfilled. I have lesser doubt in my mind. I found that when you don't have doubt in yourself, you have greater chance to achieve and succeed. I made better decision. I feel more joy in my life. It's nice to totally accept yourself and you are not blaming yourself anymore. You accept your own imperfection. I never have that experience before.

May be it is the birthday present for my 31st.

Ennaegram explains all

Ennaegram is a theory that human can be divided into 9 types of personality. There are 9 numbers that represent different personalities. Simply saying, the division for 9 personalities base on his/her motivation to do something. For example, 2 is motivated to do something he/she can help others. 9 is motivated to something is to pursue harmony among people.

I have been knowing this theory for a couple of years. I haven't been have a chance to take some of the courses. I finally took a course in the last weekend. I was amazed by the theory itself. It totally explains the person's behaviour, he/she's motivation, he/she's fear, it's facial expression, he/she's eye's contact, he/she's image, he/she's energy level, he/she's positivity or negativity, he/she's tension point, he/she's relax point... This is a very deep and comprehensive knowledge.

What I want to say is that I have been questioning about myself why I behave in a certain ways. Like I will panic when there is some kind of uncertainty. I will be very defensive or living in a fear mood in some circumstances. I always find myself difficult to make decisions. Even I made one, I will doubt myself and think back and forth to double check if it is rightly made. I work best in a team, I can do anything for the team I am in. I am very loyal. I deeply believe in the person with power. I will react emotionally when they change their point of view which I always rely on. I am weak in believing myself and I even suspect my taste or what I like. Sometimes, I am in great anxiety because what I think might happen. I am quite protect myself because I think it's safer. I also like to disagree.

Hm... basically, I am a security seeker, number 6.

I have been pretending to be optimistic for long time. I have been fake to become very courageous with fast action. I have been denied myself to have no fear inside. I have been wanting to prove myself to be valuable by working hard or achieving something. Because inside me, I don't really know what I can rely on. The greatest harm is that I have been thinking I am a person with no ability and I don't even believe in myself.

Of course, I also see the beautiful part of myself. I am good in thinking. If I don't doubt myself, I can act quickly and without selfishness. I can think deep and wide and I am good in finding relationship between very complicated things. I am eager to learn and work hard for my team. I care for other people. I care for the world. I prepare for opportunities and challenges. I see risks in my and other people life. I equip myself for the risks I foresee. I always find solutions. I am optimistic for the challenges or problems arise. I pursue true ecstasy and I am willing to learn and pay a price for it.

This time, I take my courage to really see the dark side of myself. I know that my own dread and emotion has affected my family. I am now announcing that I am committed and signed a contract with myself to believe in myself. That is the deal.

I found that life becomes much easier. Everything becomes very smooth. It doesn't take me long time to complete a task because I know for myself, if I don't doubt myself, I can work effectively. Relationship becomes more lovingly. We can make jokes on the funny part of our personality. I found that the best way to love someone is to let him/her to become truly her/him. I become truly part of myself. I made smarter decision. I also found when I become more genuine, because children are very sensitive to feelings, they are happier and it's easier for me to do parenting. I have been reading a lot of book to increase the effectiveness of myself. The solutions come back to you. Everything become simple when you just need to find your real you and act as who you are. Ennaegram is a great tool and it explains all.

A Punishment

When you want to change for better, and changes take effort, it may not be easy, what are the best ways to change for you? I know sometimes even you think you work your hardest way, but you still feel you are vulnerable to change. Some people want to eat less or do more exercises. Some people want to quit smoking or may be just watch less TV. So what is the most effective way to adapt change in our lives?

I don't know about you. For me, I am always motivated by fear or danger. I do this or that because of not letting something bad happens to me. I don't do this or that because I would stay away from the undesired consequences. There are many reasons for people to transform. But basically, if reasons are strong enough to move away or move towards something, the chances are high that you are going to change.

So I set up some penalty for myself for not being nice to my husband. I want to change it for long time. I found that I am quite impotent to make a shift. I tried a lot of things. I tried to change my frames and thinking and found a lot of reasons to suport myself to make a transform. One time, I felt desperated and uncontrolled. But I believe, that is my best belief, if I persist to solve any problems, the problems will be solved finally. ( this is my signature move away style!) Of course, all the conscious thinking or awareness are worth doing so you have a better and more concrete base. I know I just need my last step or last thing to fill in, which is a little punishment for doing this again. A one hundred dollar penalty for myself. Ha Ha! It energized me! I feel like I have power in myself or my emotion!

I guess it sounds like crazy to punish myself. Do find something that can propel you. Some people may need rewards. If you do something nice, reward yourself. Make yourself feel good. See a goal to reward yourself to change. Hm... ladies, don't try to buy too much clothes by justifying that you have done a lot! Be careful!

Awareness

Compared to 5 years ago, I become more aware of what I talk and what other people talk. I can say I am interested in understanding people's communication. I found that is amazing to know more about people's thinking, how they speak, what they speak, their emotions and behaviour. Through this increment of curiosity of human behaviour, I become more sensitive to people's behaviour, especially their emotions. Actually, that not only apply to other people, it applies to my own too. I become more alert to my own feelings when things happen to me or people say things to me.

Is it a good thing or bad thing? I have no clue. On the positive side, I think it is a good thing. To mind my words I used is a good start. Try not to be ambiguous. Say what you mean. I still have to work on it. I still have a lot to improve. It is a funny thing to see how we say things unconsciously, including me. We have no idea what we are talking about or the point we want to clear. We just lead by our old emotional or behavioural patterns. Sometimes we lose logic. Sometimes we turn into too emotional. Sometimes we use words too aggressive.

I remember there were a couple of times I saw two strangers they were arguing with each other because of very little things. In their argument, almost 80% of their words are foul language. I didn't hear any significant meaning in their conversation. But they kept on talking. I guess it is the power of our unconscious mind. Or may be using foul language is a deep cultural things.

Second, I think I pay more attention to the thinking inside my head. This is a big part. Because if we want to change our behaviour, changing the internal me is a must. I have to learn to see failures and rejection as opportunities. I want to improve my awareness and take a better charge of my brain so I can make better daily choices. In the world we live in now, it is floated with information. We get distracted by TV, Internet and other media. If we don't become the captain of our mind boat, someone will try to row your boat and take you to 'the middle of nowhere'.

Third, I set a goal for myself to be an excellent communicator. The most difficult part is to have the flexibility to understand people and know their stand point, keep my own belief and try to find the equivalent ideas we share. Not to take other people opinions personally. To maintain an openness to the fact that all people are different and people have different ideas on things are also challenging. My aim is to find opportunities to reach people potential and create values for people. This prompt me to think of the Beijing Olympic slogan of 2008 as "One World One dream".

Do and Don't with spouse

I just want to learn from lessons and be a better wife.

Have a loving and thankful attitude
Sometimes we become defensive after we got married for a period of time. We forgot to support and love our spouse.

Actually if you are 'above', you can do the 'below' very easily. Everything starts from the 'being'.

Prevent negative words
We always say negative words with our spouse as we know they will take whatever we say. We take it for granted.

Prevent unsolved issue and reprehend previous incident
Communicate and solve the problem at the time when it happens.

Listen
Listen with heart but not only the ears. We think we know our spouse so well that we don't let them to talk or we just use our presumption to try to deviate their meanings.

More thank you and praise

Don't try to have a conclusion for who is right or wrong in a discussion
Sometimes we let the ego of ourselves to take control. May be we care about how our spouse see us. Be open in a discussion. Don't try to find who is right or wrong.

Don't take your spouse words personally
Sometime your spouse express opinions on other things, we take it personally. We think he/she is blaming us. Don't take it personally. They just want to say something.

Don't be too sensitive.

Empower him/her when he/she is doing something for you/family
Give him/her initial instrustion and let him/her do it. Don't try to judge how he/she does it. Let go. Let them use "their" method of doing it instead of using "your" method. Let them learn by themselves. You help only when he/she asks for.

Think of what he/she sacrifices but not only what you sacrifice for the family

Control your emotion
If you are out of control, go away immediately.

Don't let the concern or fear stop you from enjoying "this" moment
We always have a lot of concern or fear in our mind. May be we worry about the things we have to do. Remember we live for enjoying the moment. I am not saying we don't have plan for our future. But when we are having family time, try to leave the worries behind.

Say it soft
Say it soft when you want to oppose.

Acknowledge he/she has done his/her best
We always want to be recognized that we have tried our best.

Don't ask what he/she wants if you don't want things go his/her ways, ha ha

Don't try to please everyone in the family
Do things for everyone's good and love but not to 'please' them.

More and more...

I am glad that I have the chance to learn.

What are we doing for the next generation?

That is a very good question.

In the last couple of days, my mother has been depressed. She carried a lot of emotional luggage about family in her back. It's like a huge knot you can't help solving it. But I guess, as a daughter, I would only support her.

This reminds me a zen story. Once upon a time, there were two Buddhist monks. One was old and one was young. They were walking to another city. The two monks came across a young lady who could not swim but wanted to go across the river. The old monk carried the lady across the river. The action of the old monk puzzled the young monk. On the way, the young monk kept on thinking why the old monk carried the lady as they were monk. Finally, they young monk could not resist to ask the old monk why. The old monk told him,'I have already put down the lady for long time, why can't you put it down?'

I remembered a friend who said,"Being a parent is so difficult, as we have to be truly happy in order to 'impose' happiness to our next generation."

How can we be truly happy as we always carry the emotional luggage? How can we have hope in the future which the children need most?

I know, when we grow with age, we have a lot of presumption and emotional leftover. I just think that as a human beings, we can not really know what is true or false. The only thing we can be sure is that what can make me happy. Life is so short. I think life has a reason for everything. The reason to live is to become happy. Happiness is the greatest component in all areas. We should find ways to become happy by helping people, using our potential, helping the poor, change the world in a better place, being a good person, doing exercises, having fun... Of course sometimes we will face obstacles. But if the difficulties bring you to a better place. Don't give up. Never give up to fight for happiness.

Anthony Robins said, 'Nothing has a power on you unless you give them.'

So now you have a choice and this is a choice for the next generation, you can either give the power to open the door of sadness or give the power to open the door of happiness. I choose the latter.